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Friday, October 02, 2009

A Confession I Decided To Make

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I don't know how to describe my current condition.. the turmoil of emotion I am facing through, the turbulence with self believe or self confidence staggered slowly into the drain. I felt like falling into bottomless pit, whereas I keeps on encouraging others to hold on into their life. Seemed sturdy physically, but grow weaken emotionally. Chirp with friendly faces and bubbly appearances, but deep inside I felt far away from everybody. Steadily in high spirit attitude, but I felt tired and dried out. I am grows wearily day by day as I am waiting for my body collapse to the ground. I've made my self busy with any activities, by hoping that I can forget the pain I carries with me, but whenever I reached home, I felt useless and lonely. Nobody is listening to my voice whenever I need to reconcile. Plenty of friends but they have their own struggle, sometimes I abandoned myself in order to listen for others.

The spirit of self condemnation, rejection, unwanted, self denial steadfast in me. I felt unworthy, whenever in any activities, I am not included. I felt rejected as people rejected me with YOUR name. I am continuously condemning myself, whenever I received negative comments, but I never angry at them. I felt unwanted, whenever I am being reminded with the memories of my late mother, saying "I don't love you." I never hate her, not a single hatred on her. But the bitterness embedded in me, whenever I could not be at parred with their expectation. I am struggle to please others. Self denial develop as I am struggle to talk with leaders, whenever I need their help. "I am not qualified to talk with them.. because I am not talented, gifted, etc."

Lord... I am struggle to emblazon myself with unnecessary ornaments and making others believed in what they want to believe.

Lord.. I have forgotten all about YOU.

You always there to catch me, whenever I fall. You were there to pat my back, whenever I have done the best as I could in my study, work, relationship, ministry. You always walk beside me, whenever I am alone. You never judge me, even thought in human eyes I am filthy with sin that I have done. I am confessing all of my weaknesses in YOU as I decided to walk through this wonderful journey by faith and not by sight. Teach me Lord to trust other.. teach me Lord not to ridicule their emotion, as you thought me and accept me as what I am. Teach me to humble myself in anything I do, if I am not doing so, I am willing to step down. Your glory Lord.. not mine. In You I am strong.. AKU LEBIH DARI PEMENANG

Lord.. I look to YOU!!




I Look to You
Whitney Houston

As I lay me down,
heaven hear me now.
I'm lost without a cause
after giving it my all.

Winter storms have come
and darkened my sun.
After all that I've been through
Who on earth can I turn to?

[Refrain]
I look to YOU
I look to YOU.
After all my strength is gone,
in YOU I can be strong
I look to YOU
I look to YOU
And when melodies are gone,
in you I hear a song.
I look to YOU

About to lose my breathe,
there's no more fighting left,
Sinking to rise no more,
searching for that open door.

And every road that I've taken
lead to my regret.
And I don't know if I'm going to make it.
Nothing to do but lift my head

[Refrain]
I look to YOU
I look to YOU
After all my strength is gone,
in YOU I can be strong
I look to YOU
I look to YOU
And when melodies are gone,
in YOU I hear a song.
I look to YOU

My levees are broken
My walls have come
tumbling down on me

The rain is falling.
Defeat is calling.
I need YOU to set me free.

Take me far away from the battle.
I need YOU.
Shine on me.

[Refrain]
I look to YOU
I look to YOU
After all my strength is gone,
in YOU I can be strong
I look to YOU
I look to YOU
And when melodies are gone,
in YOU I hear a song.
I look to YOU.